Today, I flew out at the ungodly hour of 4 a.m. to meet up with some of my very best friends in the whole wide world. I haven’t been on a plane since E. was born.
Turns out, I’m not the best solo flyer. (Shocker, right?)
Here are the ten thoughts you have when flying with anxiety (aka, next time I’m bringing Ativan):
1. Holy shit. Was that sound normal? I think I just heard an engine stall. God help us all!
2. Yep, it was definitely the engine. Everything is eerily silent. When are they going to make the announcement to tell us all to call our loved ones to say goodbye?
3. Why do they bother showing us the evacuation doors? What are we supposed to evacuate into, the AIR?
4. It had to be the Canada geese. I knew it. It’s always the fucking geese!
5. I NEVER should have done that research project on plane crashes. This pilot better not be deranged (did he sound deranged?).
6. I know way too much about the people who probably built the most critical pieces of this plane. And they’re not that great.
7. Why is that guy requesting coffee? They’re not serving hot drinks right now. DOESN’T HE KNOW WE’RE ON OUR LAST?
8. I’m searching the flight attendants’ faces for panic. Yep, they’re freaking out internally. I just know it! This is it!
9. God, I know we’re not the best of friends, but holy shit, if you land this plane safely I promise I’ll say my prayers every day… and go to church. Maybe. We’ll work out the details when you land this plane.
10. Oh thank god. It was just turbulence. You couldn’t pay me enough to be a flight attendant. Seriously, to be bumped around in these tin germ-infested cans all day long? EFF NO. They better be making at least $200K a year.
And repeat steps 1-10 until landing.
Happy long weekend! Now that I’m safely on the ground (oh sweet, sweet ground), I’ll be cracking an adult beverage as soon as I can get my hands on one.